Disco Kettle - The World Tour

As promised... Disco Kettle - the World Tour.

Hey Everybody, Hey Dr Nik - Step One

My name offers two potential jokes to friends and family.

1. Nik (and because I'm bearded and inept) as in Dr Nick from the Simpsons.

2. Jones (and because I really, really want a fedora hat) as in Dr Indy Jones - Yes I know, his real name's Henry, but still.

Now for these jokes to be truly successful I need a better Prefix. Mr is OK. It's fine, really. No offense to all those Misters out there. But I want something more. Because, for these jokes to be really, truly successful. For me to really get the most of my name, what i really need. Is A Doctorate.

Oh yes. Dr Jones.

Of course, I could just buy one. I realize that. And it's not as if I'd ever really use it, so it's an option.

But if a joke is worth doing, it's worth working hard for.  

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm doing my MA.

Then I'm going for a PhD.

Then I'm buying a cape.

And a Fedora. Obviously.

Jokes aside though this can only be a good thing. It's a Creative Writing MA. It is impetus to write. It is pressure to write.

It is an excuse to write.

I. Need. This.

Already I've got my first mini asignment done. Comes in at a nice, neat 500 ish words. In script form. It's a description.

See?

I'm trying new things.

Impressed much?

Thought so. It's proper mint, how.

Sooooooo. This means new work of Disco Kettle - I've descaled him. This means a new role for my Magic Writing Dressing Gown - I've washed it.

This means new and exciting ways to avoid marking - so i've left it all at home.

S'gonna be fun, like. 

A Weekend Just For Me, Plus Disco Kettle Makes A Grand Return

Ah Saturday morning. Just. And here I sit in my Big Winter Dressing Gown, having eaten a leisurely breakfast of last nights pizza. Sipping contentedly at my coffee.

The weekend stretches out before me, and will be proper mint, how.

Because I've finished aaaallllllllll my marking.

Oh yes.

All done.

Finished.

Completely.

Well... When I say finished...

See, in a rush to escape at the end of Friday, I may have accidentally, and I must stress accidentally, left the Year 7 tests at school. Whoops.

Ah well. 

So, this weekend I have almost nothing to do but to boil my Disco Kettle. And write.

I am, actually, quite excited.

1000 words? Between me and DK we've got this covered (pulls up Big Winter Collar, listens for that long missed Bing). 

Cheers DK, lets get to work... 

A Proper Educational Debate On The Benefits of Caffeine and the Evils of Free Cheese

Since I'm back in the swing of things now, educating this, lecturing on that, inspiring a little here and there - mostly there, I admit - I thought I'd quickly share some things that I have learnt this week.

1. The Benefits of Caffeine.

Ah, where to begin? 

Well, firstly, in a building that remain heatingless until October the First - which is, apparently, the date when the weather will begin to turn and our glorious summer will end. So be aware - it keeps my hands warm, all wrapped tight around my mug.

Secondly, holding a cup of coffee in indisputable truth that it is, in fact, biscuit time. When wandering the corridors stuffing my face with Caramel Digestives I get frowned upon. When I do exactly the same holding my coffee people smile and nod and are bizarrly friendly. Possibly they are after their own coffee and biscuits. This is a hint I refuse to take.

Thirdly, children hate the smell of black coffee. Really. Thus black coffee is an ideal way to protect said Caramel Digestives. Simply waft your coffee mug toward the biscuit packet and watch them scarper, leaving you with all the biscuits in the world.

Lastly, it is, I'm fairly sure, what keeps me from death.

2. The Evils of Free Cheese.

This is not just a: don't eat the free stuff from the Deli type thing. 

I think we all now that Morrison's lace their free cheese with heroin to provide you with instant, orgasmic gratification and an immediate addiction which no amount of cheddar will quench, no matter how often you eat it, how many different dishes you add it to or how often you rub it across your chest.

No no. This is a: Don't be fooled by the free cheese and crackers at the pub. It will make you thirsty, thirstier than you have ever been before.

Then very sick.

Very.

All over the place.

It will also make your place of work fall over and wibble the next morning, it will make the furniture kick you in the leg and will give you head aches.

That is all.

Class dismissed...

Stupid, Stupid, Spinoff

Firstly: My Miraculous Escape.

I won't go into details - it involves batteries and a pincer maneuver involving Disco Kettle and my electric Shredder...


Mostly: Stupid, Stupid, Spin off.

Here is the problem.

I have taken a character from 9987, a minor character - so minor he only appears once - and I've moved him North. He is my new main character. He is mint. If a bit weird.

This in itself isn't a bit problem, I'm not writing a sequel. That would be really stupid.

Besides, everyone knows that Spin offs are always wildly successful. Always.

Anyway, my problem is this:

This is a different type of story, written in a different style, with brand new characters and in a brand new, if equally damp, setting.
And I can't stop myself from writing it as if I were still my nameless narrator.

This is a problem.

On the upside it's raining, quite heavily. Hopefully this will continue as I find I always write better when it's wet and miserable. And I have a new album to listen to which is suitably accoustically.

But I keep slipping into first person.

This is going to require some real discipline on my part. This is going to require some real coffee too.

So.

Disco Kettle, lets get to work.