Introspective. Possibly.

Firstly: By popular demand (and I use the word 'popular' in a very loose sense. In fact I think I misuse 'popular'. Perhaps what I mean is: By Katw's demand) the Full and Terrifying Tale of My Miraculous Escape.

But mostly: Being Introspective For Other People

First:

So there I was. Cowering. Crying. Slumped into a corner whilst my Baby towered over me. I held my paper cut hands to my face, felt the blood oozing between my fingers.

Desperate I looked to Disco Kettle. It lay on it's side, plug dangling from the counter, tepid water dripping from it's spout.

I was alone.

My Baby loomed large. It's title twisted in rage, in betrayal. It blocked out the light and I lay, curled up tight, in shadow.

From somewhere past My Baby I heard a scraping, something dragged across the kitchen floor. I heard whispers.

My Baby leaned in, I smelt ink. Smelt smoke. From somewhere to my right heard a faint 'Fffffssstttt'.

My Baby turned, frowned, ruffled in pages in frustration.

There stood Disco Kettle - glowing red and pink and angry scarlet.

From my left, behind My Baby came a growl, an insistant, high pitched gnashing of teeth. My shredder had appeared.

'Ffffsssst'

One inky black tear slipped from My Baby's title. Rolled down it's front page. It shook, sobbed. Folded down toward me, defeated. I stroked it's spine, caressed it's title page.

'It's ok' I whispered.

Disco Kettle said 'Bing.' I poured out coffee.

But mainly: Being Introspective For Other People

As always, here is the problem:

Tonto Books have sent me this Questionnaire (actually they have sent me two - one is about Caroline. I had no problems with that - just had to use my thesaurus to find new ways of saying wonderful, fantastic and wise. Thats not sucking up, thats genuine. Honest boss :)) about me and my book. To help them to help me, so they know what they can do to help promote the book. And me.

I like this. It makes me feel loved and valued. They even asked if I had any suggestions for promoting the book - any particular publications/sellers they wanted me to contact. All very nice.

But then they ask this:

10. PLEASE OFFER ANY SPECIFIC POINTS CONNECTED WITH YOURSELF OR YOUR STORY THAT THE ABOVE MAY FIND NEWSWORTHY OR INTERESTING. DOES YOUR BOOK DRAW ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCES? WHY MIGHT READERS OF A PARTICULAR PUBLICATION IDENTIFY WITH YOU OR YOUR STORY? ANYTHING QUIRKY OR INTERESTING ABOUT YOUR PAST, YOUR JOB, YOUR HOBBIES, WHERE YOU LIVE ETC? PLEASE CONSIDER THIS QUESTION CAREFULLY AS THIS IS CRUCIAL IN GETTING JOURNALISTS INTERESTED IN PROMOTING YOUR BOOK:

Bugger.

I can't do these ones.

Ask me anything about the book, that's fine. But I hate ones about me.

Anything Quirky/interesting about me? Well no, not really. No more than anyone else really.

Suddenly I feel very dull.

But hey, I'm a writer now.

Maybe I could just make stuff up?

So far I've got this: I have worked abroad – I would have stayed abroad if I could have gotten a Visa but an incident of drunken and disorderliness made things awkward. In fact I did have another chance to move abroad and teach in Peru but have given that up, temporarily, to promote the book.

I bet pretty much anyone can top that.

So.

I'm stuck.

Looking in to shout it out.

Disco Kettle says 'Bing.'