Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Publishers! Pay Attention! (And a warning to cat owners)

Well, still no news. I suppose no news is good news. It's not another rejection letter afterall.

Anyway, while we wait, and because Caroline Smailes' blog performed magic for her (although hers is much more loved and, to be fair, much more regularly written upon. Upon? In? To? No, 'to' would be like a diary wouldn't it? Nevermind) I thought I'd try posting a little bit of novel two.

I'm not expecting much. It's for my own amusement really.

Besides, it's got one of my favourite characters in from the book:



‘You really don’t have to be here for this DS Andrews.’ The pathologist was pulling off rubber gloves stained pink. They dropped into a bin with a wet slap. The pathologist wiped his hands on black corduroy trousers and adjusted his glasses. He stretched out a hand to Delphin. ‘Inspector Delphin, it’s been a while. I’d heard you were back in the area.’ Delphin could feel the clammy sweat on the pathologists hand, could see the dried blood on his sleeve.

‘Detective Sergeant Delphin and I are here to examine our body.’ Andrews stepped through the handshake and leant against a sink on the opposite side of the room. He spat out his gum, leaving it mangled in the sink, spinning slowly in a thin film of yellowed slime in the bottom. Andrews frowned then looked up at the pathologist. He pushed out his hand. ‘So can we see her or not, Dr…?’

‘Miller. Dr Steven Miller.’ Miller’s hands stayed by his sides and Andrews was left, gloved fingers outstretched waiting for a handshake that did not come. Andrews ran his tongue across his teeth. He adjusted his gloves.

‘Can we see our body, Dr Miller?’

‘No, it really isn’t necessary DS Andrews’ Miller glanced at Delphin. ‘Usually I simply email you my report. There really was no need for you to come all the way down here.’ Miller strode past Andrews, turned on the tap, rinsing away the thick slime and the twisted ball of gum which circled the drain slowly, trapped by sticky yellow tongues. Miller shrugged off his white jacket and noticed the blood on his sleeve. He sniffed at it and scowled. ‘It’s actually very rare that I see any of your lot down here.’

‘Well, perhaps they are not as thorough as I am?’ Andrews threw another piece of gum into his mouth and pulled his gloves up. He stood, leaping up from the sink. ‘So let’s see her, Miller.’

‘Dr Miller, thank you.’ Miller spoke slowly. His wide eyes were on Andrews, watching him chew his gum, watching tiny splashes of spit spray from between his lips. ‘Have you ever seen an autopsied body, DS Andrews?’

‘Of course.’

‘Really? Because Conston hasn’t seen a murder in a good few years now.’ Miller smiled, tugged at his shirt cuffs, examined his cufflinks. ‘How long have you been on the force DS Andrews, if you don’t mind me asking?’

Andrews stopped chewing, Delphin watched the muscles around his jaw tense, saw the blood creep into his cheeks.

‘We don’t have time for this.’ Andrews stepped forward ‘The body, Miller. Now.’ He strode through a set of double doors following a sign reading: Morgue.

#

Delphin breathed deep, smelled bleach and sweat. He rolled his shoulders and felt his shoulder blades crack. He closed his eyes as the refrigerated door was swung open. He listened to the squeaking rollers, heard Andrews breathing speed up.

She was blue. A light frost lay over her skin. A jagged crevasse curled outward, a splintered ‘y’ from shoulder to shoulder, an arrow leading down into soft, cold pubic hair. Small breasts rested against split skin, a small mouth, turned down at the corners, had turned purple, dusted with frost. A thick purple line was torn across her throat.

Delphin moved around the body. Red, grazed knees. One scuffed elbow, the skin thread bare across the bone. Swollen, bruised face. A red smear from nostril to split, purple lip. Her neck pale blue with the scar of the colour of wine. Deep folds in the flesh. Delphin picked up her hand, the rigor mortis had begun to disappear but the muscles were still stiff. Were cold. He examined her fingernails, harsh scratches underneath showed where Miller had beaten him to it.

‘Nothing there I’m afraid Detective Sergeant. Dirt mostly, some of her own skin where she’s had an itch. That’s about it. Same with the clothes. Dirt. Sweat – hers I’m afraid. Hair, again just her own although some cat fur too. Short haired, black.’ Miller came to stand by Delphin’s side and rubbed his finger along the scar running down her stomach. ‘Not much in there, quite malnourished.’ He smiled at Delphin.

Delphin rolled her arm over. He connected the dots on the inside of her arm with his finger tip, tracking the passage of the vein. Miller nodded ‘Yes, looks that way, the blood works will confirm it I’m sure, although none seem too fresh, certainly not in the last few days.’

From the corner, his face burning white under the fluorescent glow of the strip lights DS Andrews stepped forward hesitantly. He adjusted his gloves and took out the packet of gum. He swallowed and glanced at it before changing his mind.

‘Cause of death?’ his voice was only vaguely there, more a suggestion by the air conditioning. Miller grinned at him and strode across the room, his eyes sparkling.

‘But of course Andrews, step this way and I shall show you.’ Miller grasped Andrews by the arm and pulled him across the room. Delphin looked up from the girl. This close Andrews’ skin was see through, no blood was left in his face. He wrung his hands, the leather squeaking in the otherwise silent morgue. Miller placed his hand on the girls head, curled his fingers in her hair. Andrews swallowed, his Adam’s apple shuddering beneath white skin. Miller continued.

‘As I’m sure you guessed from the crime scene the girl was felled by a heavy blow to the back of her head. The injuries to her face, elbow and knee all suggest she fell forward, and was unconscious as she did so and so unable to react, as we would, by extending our arms to cushion the fall.’ With his fingers still wrapped around her hair he poked a gloved finger at a shaved section of skull, a crater digging deep through skin and scalp. Andrews nodded carefully. Miller held up the gloved finger. ‘But that isn’t what killed her. It would have, if you look here.’ He pulled his hand up to the light, the hand wrapped in hair. There was a slight slurp, a sucking like a bathplug and her scalp swung free in front of Andrews.

‘Could you hold this?’ Miller thrust it at Andrews whose eyes were wide. Andrews swallowed and reached out a shaking hand to hold the hair between finger and thumb. ‘Thank you. Now, as you can see the force of the blow caused an subdural hematoma. See the bleeding outside the brain tissue? Now look,’ Miller shoved a gloved finger into an incision already made in the grey tissue beneath her scalp. ‘Can you see where it has bled inside the tissue too?’ Andrews nodded. He handed back the scalp.

His voice floated through the stink of bleach and sweat. ‘So the cause of death?’

‘Strangulation.’ Miller smiled at him and drew his gloved fingers in a line along the velvet purple stripe around her neck. Andrews nodded. Wrung his leather clad fingers. ‘The cord was tied with a hangman’s knot. It’s been sent away for the forensic boys to have a look at.’ Miller glanced enquiringly at Andrews, ‘Will you be bothering them too, DS Andrews?’

‘Well, thank you Dr Miller. Good work. Delphin?’ He glanced to Delphin who was still holding the girl’s arm, counting the puncture wounds and mouthing out the numbers. ‘Let’s go.’

Andrews strode from the theatre. Delphin nodded at Miller and shuffled out. Down the empty corridor echoed: ‘Shall I email you the blood and toxicology reports? Or do you want to come back and get them yourself?’ Andrews turned to see Miller grinning and waved his hand, a gore splattered glove slopping between his fingers.





Oh yes, and the cat owner warning. This morning I woke up with the cat next to me on the pillow. I don't know how she got there as all the doors were closed. But she's sneaky. Anyway, the warning: Cat's Drool. The Drool is sticky. The Drool stinks.

Consider yourselves warned.

Monday, 25 July 2011

Novel Three Begins... (Oh, and still thumb twiddling.)


Holidays - Day One.

Time to get down to the real work then.

Yeah, I'm still waiting to hear some positive news about novel two but hey, that's the business eh? In the meantime I'm not being too sulky. I'm being quite productive actually.

I took advantage of my body deciding that, really, six in the morning is probably the best time to be up and about to get up and start writing. I've had DK on constant boil. I've almost worn the cuffs of my Magic Dressing Gown but I'm getting stuff sorted.

Already got myself through 2,500 words. A 1,000 of them actually before breakfast. Impressive no?

Anyway, on the off chance that anyone still reads this I thought I'd throw in a bit of a sneak peek. Although, thinking about it, as I'm still waiting to hear something from Novel Two it might be better to post bits of that... But I dunno.

Seems weird.

Maybe next time...

“Explain to me now, why shouldn't I just kill you all?”

A dozen faces, acne splatters, slack jaws, glazed eyes all crease. I stare at them and they stare back.

“Sir?” I look at Luis.

“Explain to me, Luis, why I shouldn't just kill you.”

Slack jaws. Glazed eyes. I sigh.

“You’re threatening to kill them now?” Jill sipped at her coffee. From outside come the screams of children. Something thuds against the window. “They been stealing your biscuits again?”

“Come on,” I say and begin to pace, long strides which carry me up and down the central aisle of the classroom. I waft my coffee at them. I breathe loudly through my teeth. “Why can’t I just decide: ‘Right, I’m killing you.’ Why can’t I do that?” A glass eye blinks. Plump lips curl into knots and foreheads crease. Some the front I hear breathing and something has unravelled.

“Because...” I pace back to the white board and spin, coffee slopping against my cup. I stare at a straining face, at the cratered nose and tufts of beard which cling to it’s chin. “Because...” I wait. I watch. The forehead creases, folds. He looks pained. I sigh. I roll my eyes. My fingers tap against my thigh.


And no, before anyone accuses me of stuff. It's not autobiographical. It just happens to have some similarities to my working day is all...

Monday, 11 July 2011

Returning, Being Kindled Up Right Nice and on Stuff That I'm Still Busy Doing (And On Really, Really Long Titles)

Well, actually, having looked at the title of that there post it doesn't really seem necessary saying anything else does it? Maybe I should just go...

But, if I did that then I'd nothing to do whilst my dinner cooked. Ah decisions decisions...

Fairynuff, it has been a while. I suppose I could waffle for a bit.

Plus, for the first time in ages I actually have some writery things to write about. Makes a nice change. I was sort of not really enjoying writing stuff about... Well... the sort-of-real world. It's just not how I roll. I'm all for the sidewaysalmostuseful me. Never the actualuseful you understand. That would give the wrong impression. People would start asking me questions, wanting me to do stuff.

*Shudders*

Nononono.

That's no good at all.

Anyway - the writery news!

Writery News # 1

Nik gets all Kindled up just in time for summer.

Yup. Imagine it. You're on the beach, the sun is beating down. You have a cocktail or a nice cool beer. Small children are being herded off the beach, bronzed peoples are milling by looking all glistening and with curvy bits just where you like them.

But something is missing.

Something isn't quite right.

And I know what it is.

You've got your shiny new Kindle but there's nowt good on it. Nothing. Bit of Grisham, bit of Austin a smidgen of Dan Brown perhaps. But you're bored. Of course you are. So, why not try:

Yes.

That's right.

Kindled up right nice, that's me!

Impressed?

Thought so.

And that sort of leads me too this:


Writery News # 2

Novel Number Two - Still Twiddling Thumbs.

It's all finished and that. In fact I've done three drafts. I've even sent it places. Some places are a bit interested, some places aren't. Some places remain a mystery to me.

Still.

That's what we do innit? We write, we edit, we wait.

So I'm waiting.

But, I'm not whinging. Not a lot anyway. And I'm not moping about. Not a lot anyway. Instead I'm starting Novel Number Three.

So...

You know...

Watch this space.

Friday, 29 April 2011

Not Yet Dead!

I'm not yet dead.

I am tired.

And impatient.

But i'm not quite dead yet.

I have plans...

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Snow Day # 3: Tinned Macaroni Cheese and Slightly Tipsy Superheroes...

Day Three.

Still snowed in.

My gate is broken.

Well, not broken. Stuck. Too much snow to move it. My neighbour has been eyeing up the mounds of snow at my end of the alley. He's been muttering. I've noticed he's left a shovel out the last couple of days so this morning I've finally done the neighbourly thing. I've returned it.

Supplies are holding out though. My Zombiepocalyspe tinned goods have been opened now but there is plenty there. Not only that but the fresh food I have is surviving well too. My kitchen is one big walk in freezer. Really. You can see your breath in there. I scraped frost off the inside of the window this morning. And you should see my freezer. I put a bottle of Dandelion and Burdock in there last night. Now it's frozen. So I'm eating icelollies.

But I'm surviving well, don't worry. Today I am watching wintery films and catching up on some reading. please note though, Wintery films. Not Christmassy films. Today I've watched The Thing and Lethal Weapon (Almost Christmassy I know but I think I can be forgiven), this afternoon I'm on Fargo, 30 Days of Night and Let the Right One In.

Most important job today though is looking out for my new heroes. The Consett Cross Country Ski Pub Crawlers.

I've seen them twice now. Yesterday they even stopped and helped my move the car. So I've made them capes...

They're kick ass!

Wednesday, 24 November 2010

Launching and Radioing. Sort of like NASA, only Cheaper...

Well, Even More Tonto Short Stories is now officially out and things. It was indeed very generous of the Government to throw in a National Short Week to celebrate. I suppose though that only so many of us are bothered about Prince Wills and his soon to be missus (And by the way am I the only one who sees them together and hums this tune?) so really they had no choice but to throw in some kick ass short stories too.

I even got to meet a non grumpy Russian, which was nice. And the Lit and Phil is really quite nice. It's sort of stately but used and tatty and I like that. Oh, and Hi Lit and Phil peoples, thanks again for letting us play.

In other news I was on the radio on Saturday too. BBC Radio Tees. Impressed much? I think you can still listen to me here, if you really want to. I was on in the last five minutes, although I'm sure other, less impressive were also on before that.

So, anyway...

It's snowing and I've already been rescued once by the Consett Cross Country Skiier Pub Crawling Team, I need to see if I can get either a photo or a lift. And a pint obviously.... Will explain more later.

Monday, 8 November 2010

Heads, I Lose.

Today my head hurts. Well no, not hurts. It just sort of - throbs a bit. It feels sort of full but sort of empty at the same time.

I mean it's interesting. I can actually stop thinking. I can actually quieten down all the thoughts that buzz about. It could be quite nice, in a way. Could be quite relaxing I suppose.

Except. Except I can feel something in my chest that is sort of cold and sort of heavy.

It makes the gentle throbbing in my head feel ... Feel somehow possessive, I suppose.

My head is sort of full and sort of blank and what I want. What I really really want. Is just to go to the pub. Or bed.

Either does.

Monday, 1 November 2010

NaNoWriMo & Mo-Vember


Busy month planned.


Novel Writing.


'Tasche Growing.


Inspection at work.


Floor Mopping around the Cat bowl.


'Tasche Maintainance.


Marking.


'Tasche Experimentation.


Novel Writing.


So.




If not then tough.


It's currently very seventies/porn star...


I'm thinking about a Wing Commander Style one though...


With a bit of hard work I'll even get something that curls at the edges...
In the meantime of course it's all about the NaNoWriMo. I've not tried this so if anyone fancies helping out my writing name is NikJ and I'm based in the Durham region. I've got my plan and stuff.
Actually I've got two plans although one may not be enough to see out a whole month. Maybe I'll file it under 'Short Story' for now.
So in that case just the one idea. About an Invisible Man. Sort of. And nipples. Obviously.

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Conclusions

So, been a while I know but things happen and things get in the way.

Because obviously you've all missed me geet loads I thought I'd do a quick summing up of stuff. Or a conclusion if you will to the month that's gone.

Conclusion # 1: I May Not Be As Crap I Thought I Was...

Having pondered on it, swore at it, rewritten chunks of it and then swore at it some more I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that maybe, just maybe, Novel No.2 may not be awful.

In fact I even like some bits of it. I like the pathologist and the fact that he hands people bloody scalps and eats his sandwiches as he works. I like furniture melting parts and, actually, I'm quite pleased with the ending too. So, you know. That's nice.

I'm still waiting to hear from Tonto Towers though and that'll be when I decide properly I think. I have faith in Tonto, if they like it then I think that'll be a sign that I've done ok. If they don't... Well... Anyway I even winged it off to an agent for a laugh. Six weeks for a reply? Three months for a reply? Whey nah! Try twenty four hours, oh yes. A response, from an agent, within twenty four hours. Now that was unexpected.

Course, they were writing to tell me that they weren't "100%" confident about it but still. I'm impressed they got back to me that quick.

Conclusion # 2: In Retrospect I May Not Survive The Zombie Apocalypse.

Yes. An important factor that I failed to consider here really and one I should probably put right now in case you were all planning on coming and sharing my tinned carrots come The End.

I live next door to a graveyard.

And there is another one two streets down the hill.

And a massive one across the road from that.

So don't bother, I'll probably be the first to go. Having said that though I do still sport a limp from a cruciate problem I'm having so don't shoot me just cos I'm walking funny, please take a moment to make sure that I'm actually after your brains before you take me out.

Thanks.

Which sort of leads me nicely into,

Conclusion # 3: The Most Lovely Vix Has A Brilliant Brain.

Now, before she yells at me, I already knew she had a genius brain. And a crazy sort of brain. And yes, I was already largely aware of the brilliance of it before this. But. But now she's showing it off in new ways and it's really rather cool.

So I hope she won't be too mad at me for telling people to go look at her brain and wonder.

Go Here, Here and Here.

as well as Here

and be impressed. I was.

She be kick ass cool, how.

Monday, 20 September 2010

John Edward Hughes Copeland - Why I loved my Ted

I wouldn't normally do this. In fact I see it done from time to time on blogs and facebook and things and it seems so... I dunno... Crass. I mean I am crass myself in many ways but I'd always supposed that sometimes, somethings, are best left private.

But not this. I won't get a chance to say these things otherwise and so I need to say them here, where someone might read them and yes, probably think I'm a dick or after attention or just spreading the misery about but really, really I just want someone else to know. Not know about me, or how I feel but know about Ted. Because he was a miserable bastard. A wonderful bastard. And, probably, a bastard that you lot don't know.

I got home tonight, late to a pile of messages on the phone. All bad news.

My best friend Ted. Idiot that he is, hit by a motorbike in the early hours of today and... Well, not and. No more 'and'. Just. Finished. A Full Stop now.

I mean, a motorbike? In the early hours of a Sunday night Monday morning? And to be hit by one? I can't quite believe that. It doesn't seem plausible and if Ted were here I know exactly what he'd say, he'd say, "Well. He wouldn't have been expecting that."

But that's not Ted. Ted isn't the guy that managed to be hit by a bike at five in the morning on a Monday.

Ted was... Well... Mad. Wonderfully mad.

He took me to a strip club once, did my manloving friend Ted, at four in the morning - it was the only place still serving. And he was gone half an hour later, taxi into Newcastle and out on the pull. He felt bad afterward, seemed to think that it was his fault that I got punched by a bouncer. Seemed to think it was his fault that I still have the scar tissue floating in my eye.

And the first time he came round to my new house for dinner - I followed him about as he sloashed red wine across the carpet - me scrubbing the floor as he ambled between DVD stands. His eyebrow raised and a 'Really?' look across his face.

And he was there, always there.

I left my fiance a few years back and he was there. He put all his own stuff on hold and he was there, usually with a bottle of wine and sensible advice. And earlier, when my family was pulling itself apart he was there, and we were younger then so there was no wine but I stole spirits and he maintained enough sense to speak sensibly.

And, actually, I'm sort of pleased that this blog has tailed off and has a much smaller readership because I feel proud of my friend and I feel priviledged that he was my friend and that he did give up his time (and wine) for me and I love the fact that I did know him. That I was that lucky. That this, for almost all of you will be simply a sketch of a life that I got to share in.

I want you all to be jealous.

I want you all to wish you had had a friend like mine.

A friend that once had a 'pleasant time' with a Cambridge Don and as a result of which I still recieve SPAM email.

A friend who said the most genuis things about books and film and music and theatre and left my nodding and baffled and impressed but who never judged me for loving Sci-fi pulp novels or films about sexdolls.

But most of all I want you all to know that I miss my friend. And that I had potatoes in and had a vague idea of how to do dauphinoise potatoes and that I was expecting to be able to talk about the History Boys because I had finally gotten around to watching it.

I had a friend with whom I could talk about books and music, even if he did like Kate Bush, and Scandinavian Miniminalist film and Daphne Du Maurier and talk about nothing and about simple ambitions. Proper ambitions. Dreams that went beyond the horizon and that never left the back yard.

He deserved better.

Someone I listen to, someone I believe and trust, told me once that heaven is somewhere built upon every second of every dream and that for each happy moment a different heaven exists. I hope, I demand, that Ted has many heavens and I hope that somewhere, for a second or two in one of them, maybe in a pub in York or Cambridge, I get to buy him a pint.

I've opened the wine Ted, I poured you a glass.

Friday, 17 September 2010

EMTSS?...Ernest & Maud's Tantric Sex Sessions? No. Probably not... Even Monkeys Tango Some Sundays?


... No... Wait:
Even More Tonto Short Stories, that's what I meant.
And it's here.
Or it was.
I'd had it two minutes when my mam came round for tea and now she's gone and nicked it.
On the upside though I did manage to read the first couple of stories and they really were rather good, how.
A Shrinking, a Holding Back by Fiona Robyn is awesomely awkward and painful and just... so well ended it made jealously glands swell up something nasty.

Appendage by Peter Parrish is just craziness and comedy and based on such a good character that I read it then reread it and then copied down some of my favourite lines. Which was also bad for the glands.
But, my seething jealously aside, this is looking like being a pretty impressive anthology. It does have some big names in and Amazon seems to think that Matt Hilton has written the entire thing but it's also got some really exciting less knowns and unknowns. Like me.
See?
I'm in it.
You didn't really think I'd be nice about stuff if I wasn't did you?
Anyways - I have to go and order a new copy. My mother is a thief.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

Jazz, Nightmares and Reasons Why I'll Survive the Zombie Apocaplyse... Maybe




I don't really like Jazz.

I feel that I should like it, it's suitably odd and crazy and unexpected and that is usually what I like in music. And film. And books. And people. Not in cars so much and certainly not in builders, but anyway. I feel like I should like Jazz.

I listen to music when I write - all the time. Can't really manage it without music to be honest, which is why this jazz thing bugs me.

Weird, disjointed, crazy music is what I write to. Loads of Trip-hop and downtempo stuff. Plenty of acousticy things too (although I tend to save guitars for the pacier sections usually) so it's the oddness that usually works well for me. A mix of bands and sounds over a few hours is almost sort of medative I suppose, I can feel the beat as I write (tosser that I am) and I usually use Last cos I can be quite specific about what sort of stuff I hear (and it's free and I'm cheap).

Truth is, I'm probably listening to crap jazz, or the 'wrong' jazz. It's too quick. Too pacy sometimes and, I suppose, too crazy sometimes.

And that makes me nervous.

Jazz gives me nightmares.

Actual real nightmares - especially if it's on while I sleep, on the radio or as a soundtrack to a film I've passed out in front off.

I think it's the pace of it.

Quick things are scary things. And Jazz is quick. Sometimes.

Sort of like Zombies.

I'm not scared of the old Zombies. Cos they're slow and predictable and walk funny. Not like your Post-Danny-Boyle Zombies. I'm scared of them. They're properly mental and stuff them. And fast. And crazy and aggressive.

Sort of like Jazz.

A Bit.

Anyway, it was thinking about Jazz that got me thinking about Zombies which got me planning for the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse (I've finished the rewrite - this is the sort of 'work' I can do now that the writing is temporally over).

Reasons Why I'll Survive the Zombie Apocalypse:

#1 - I've got double glazing almost everywhere. Not great against the Jazzy Zombies (except that I probably wouldn't be able to hear them playing their trumpets and things) but I'm not planning for them. There is no point. They'd have me dead right quick.

#2 - My street is largely just a narrow path with a high stone wall at one end and so is easily barricadable. Double glazing might not even be necessary - I'm a terrace surrounded by high walls. A few half arsed building jobs should be enough to keep the Zombies well away from my place. My garden would be fine. And I've got a potato and three strawberries growing there so that's an added bonus.

#3 - There's only me here. I've not got any of the following compromising Zombie movie types that you need to watch out for. No scientists, no military/security personnel, no families with small children and pets who might wander off and leave the barricade open or eat my strawberries, no pregnant women who've already been bitten by a zombie and so are giving birth to Zombabies, no rich people who think they're special and, finally, no teenage couple liable to do something stupid whilst trying not to die a virgin. So no-one to mess it up. Although I do have a cat. Still. I think she can fend for herself.

#4 - I've got tins in. So I could not only survive the Zombie Apocalypse but also a Nuclear one, an environmental one, a biological one (thanks largely to my crap understanding of chemistry and building) or the end of the month when I've spent all my money. Which ever happens first.

Reasons Why I'll Only Maybe Survive the Zombie Apocalypse:

#1 - My double glazing is only almost everywhere. There's none in the kitchen, in fact the door and the window are a bit rotten. So they're looking a bit flimsy.

#2 - I can't build things. So barricades could be tricky.

#3 - I would still be here and I am fully capable of committing stupid acts myself.

#4 - I keep losing my tin opener.

Thursday, 26 August 2010

Of Editing and Second Drafts

Hmmm...

I'm trying to remember if I felt this unsure about the last one.

A muchos geet wise person did recently point out to me that the second one is the harder one and I'm thinking that, yeah, yeah it really is. Second album syndrome innit?

Do I stick with more of the same or do I try something new? Do I go for something more mainstream or do I keep being a bit weird?

Problems problems.

I mean it's done. That's obviously a good thing. A very good thing. But... I just... Dunno... Still. Nevermind. It would be nice to full of confidence about it but then again... If I am and the rejection letters start rolling in or the reviews are less than nice then it would be harder to take.

Maybe being unsure about the whole thing is better. Might make it easier to cope with any bad news. Might.

On the upside I have decided what to write next though. I was gonna do a 'sort of follow on' to this one but... well... this one is a bit grim and I don't fancy going through that again. The last hundred pages had me all pacy and nervous and not sleeping right and heavy behind the eyes. I don't fancy that again, not yet anyway.

So - once the editing is done (yes Stu, nearly nearly done... well over half way now...) I'm gonna embark on something a bit more fun. A bit more 9987 mebbies... Only with different sorts of crazys and... maybe... an invisible man. Maybe.

Saturday, 21 August 2010

Reasons For My Absence

Well, mainly, because I've been busy.

Alright?

And, to be fair, it seems to have paid off. I'd noticed that I was spending too much time blogging about boringcrappyworkstuff and almost no time about writing.

Mainly because I hadn't been doing any writing.

Which was bad.

So I stopped blogging and starting writing. Like, properly writing again. I mean I was getting up in the morning and writing. I was writing for geet ages, every day. Yes. Everyday.

In fact, my original 80,000 target has even been slightly supassed. It's around 100,000 now.

Not only that, but it's at around 100,000 words and it's finished!

Oh yes!

I mean, obviously I'm now busy editing it and redrafting but... still... it's finished.

My Magic Dressing Gown has gone through the wash.

DK is unpulled and holidaying.

My New Writing Chair is once again being used as a clothes horse and my Penfold Mug is now once more in the cupboard and has had the ring of coffee muck (so long a staple of my diet) cleaned off.


Novel Two.

Finished.


So there!

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

I am Teabag, hear me Lecture

I lectured the other day, down at Teesside Uni.
Well, less of a lecture really, more of a ramble with references but even so, it made me feel important. I like talking about writing, especially when I'm not talking about my own writing - I always feel like a little bit of a fraud when I'm asked to mutter things about my own writing - I've discovered that I quite like the academic side of the whole thing. The narratology bits and the discourse thingies and the stuff about creating realities and that. All good fun. Obviously I manage to sound slightly more clued up when I do the lecturery things and I bring in handouts because I'm blatantly mint, so yeah, all good fun.

What surprised me though is that when I was asked about what I'm writing now I still managed to sound, partly at least, as if I still knew what I was talking about.

I was talking about the solutions I'd "decided" on to problems that had "become apparent in the narrative or with the perspective." Which I found particularly surprising as I don't remember 'solving' anything. Ever. Least of all in my still-as-yet-unfinished-but-hopefully-ready-soon-manuscript.

Oh. And I'm using words like 'manuscript' now too rather than my generally used: 'pile of rude words'.

It's all very surprising, it turns out that I'm just thoroughly steeped in literature.

I mean, I am an English teacher so obviously some knowledge of books and some ability to speak in at least vague terms about them is necessary, but this new thing I'm doing is a little odd. I'm just one big literary teabag it appears. Tetley's probably, or Typhoo maybe. Own brand most likely. Certainly I'm not Twinings quality, not until I can get His Lord The Great Stephen Fry to Twitter about me, but you have to have ambition.

And I do have DK, so, you know - I'm already half way to quality tea aren't I?

I've forgotten what I was talking about...

... But I have just found some biscuits...

Friday, 14 May 2010

*furious gestured waving* Hey! Shhhhhhhh!! Hey? *jiggling eyebrows and head nodding* Psssst, hey!

i'm writing in lower case so they don't hear me and having nice long sentences to confuse them, just in case. if i'm really lucky they'll get bored and confused halfway through the sentences and then drift off somewhere else...

they've found me.

s'true.

the students.

they've found the blog, s'why i shut it down for a bit.

still... i think they've already forgotten about it now so i might be safe...

I'll have a shufty about and get back to you...

just hang on a sec...

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Writing What I've Been Doing, Marking What I Hasn't Been Doing...

And no, before you ask I'm not writing about what I've doing nor am I attempting to mark what I've not been doing.

Although, marking work that was only supposed to be done would be a hell of a lot easier than marking work which has actually been done.

No, what I mean is:

I've been busy writing.

A Thousand Words a day since the first day of the hols, that's almost Ten Thousand done so far. (And yeah, ok, so that's not quite a thousand words a day but, you know, things happen. I ran out of coffee one day, my Magic Dressing Gown was being washed another day. These things are outside of my control.)

So, been writing. And it's going ok. It's all ticking along quite nicely. In fact, right now I'm just writing up the key murder, well, the "detective arrives at the murder scene" bit of the key murder anyway.

Wanna see ?

"Blue flashes throbbed through the street. the houses were huddled close together; barren lawns scattered with rubbish and forgotten furniture. Collapsed trampolines and twisted plastic tables, blasted and mangled sections of barbecues.

Curtains were open. Pale faces hung silent behind dark windows."

Course, now that the end is in sight, and it is, I'm heading into the pacey final act now my mind is already turning to the editing process which lies ahead. And it's gonna be a hefty one.

I already know that massive wodges of stuff need to be rewritten. I've got scenes I need to go back and add and others that need to be rearranged.

Still.

It's coming along.

And so boss, in case you're reading this, I'll not be getting much marking done.

Got other stuff to worry about...

Friday, 26 March 2010

Hey Everybody, Hey Dr Nik: A Step Too Far

Well. It was worth a shot. How's the phrase go? Aim for the moon and if you fall short you've still managed to burn up on reentry? Something along those lines?

No?

Nevermind.

You'll not remember but a while back I applied for my White Jacket and Fedora Hat Combo. And, in a sense I suppose, I succeeded.

I was offered a place, a very nice place too, with use of an office and kettle. (I'd travel with my DK, don't panic, I'm not a two kettle sort of guy. At work I use the Magic Hot Water Boiler Tap for coffee.)

Only problem, obviously, was the International Global Recession. Which has buggered my plans up right nice, how.

As proud as I was, am, at being offered a place the horrible truth was that the place was unfunded. The uni tried and I'm grateful that they did but money is tough to find. So no pennies for young Nik.

I've had to turn down the offer.

It's disappointing of course but I'm still young. (Yes I am. I am. Shut up, I am.) Plenty of time to get me Ma Fudd. And I will get Ma Fudd.

Only slight problem though is that it buggers up my immediate goals. I'm working toward my Stuff To Do Before I'm Thirty List at the minute. Technically I would BE thirty when I got Ma Fudd but I think it would still count.

So I'll have to resign myself to losing that one.

Still, I've already ticked a few off.

Published a novel. Tick.
Lived abroad. Tick.
Sky Dived. Tick.
Knocking down a wall with a mallet. Tick.
Played Football in a Proper Stadium. Tick. (Yes, Durham City's ground IS a proper stadium. It has a stand. So there.)

And I suppose it does give me more time to focus on the rest of my list which, I must admit, Ma Fudd would have gotten in the way of.

For example:

Publishing a Second, more Successful Novel. This is a recent addition but, maybe, will be as satisfying as swanning about in a white jacket and fedora hat. And I'm not too far off finishing. Finally.

Meeting a Juggling Monkey and Buying It a Drink. Really, this is one that I need to spend quite some time doing. I'm sort of thinking that perhaps this is unlikely, the only real solution would be train said monkey and distract the RSPCA long enough for us to have a quick pint. It's not an impossible dream. Really it's not. Research is obviously edging us toward this particular dream. I have proof.

Owning a Smoking Jacket and Pipe and a room in which they seem Appropriate.

Learning the difference between Effect and Affect. This, I know, should be an easy one but I feel that I need some of these in case I get to the Eve of the Thirty and have managed none of the above I need one I can do On The Spot to make myself feel better. Others include Learning to Stand on my Head and Throwing a TV through a window.

Anyways. Thought I'd share.