Yes yes I know, I'm evil and cold and uncaring and have been ignoring you all for geet ages and yes. I feel bad about it. I do. Really. Really really do.
But I've been busy as, how. ("Busy as" what? You may say but unto you peoples I shall say only this: it rhymes with truck and isn't nearly as easy as it looks...)
Ages and ages ago, in a time before work kept getting in my way and before my car started coughing and wheezing I posted this. And they laughed at me. They said I was mad! But who's laughing now eh? Who? Well yes, exactly, no one. I'm all very serious now and use geet long words and semi colons and stuff; I am cleverer than the most cleverest person in the world*.
I am: Nicholas R***** Jones BA (Hons) MA (Distinction) and all round modest nice guy.
Or, as My Geet Mint PR Guru prefers to say:
I'm a BAMA.
Which is also pretty cool.
And not only that, I'm greedy too.
I am not yet content.
DK has a PhD. He waves it at me sometimes, wanders around with it stuck to his buttons. He lets it flow out behind him when he steams, a rippling cape of geet mintness inside of which he stands, silhouetted against the rising sun, his 'little tea pot' spout raised in a fist against the retreating night: a God amongst appliances. Not just a kettle. A super kettle. A hero.
And it pisses me right off.
Cos I want one.
I want a PhD cape what I can strut about in.
I want to stand silhouetted against the sky looking hard as nails and wearing an Indiana Jones hat for extra crispy impressiveness.
I want a Fudd.
So I'm going to get one. I've been applying see, and I'm creeping closer... Ever closer... I can almost smell the dusty corridors of academia, the heady aroma of stale coffee and old books. (mainly cos that's what my classroom smells like. I have an Essence of Academia room spray).
I will get that cape...
Plus: A success for me and many others that realises a dream I thought I'd given up on but actually it turns out I haven't. Catchy subheading no?
Ages and ages ago the results of the Even More Tonto Short Stories Competition was announced
Yeay for me! It's got some writers I know of and they're kick ass cool. Shanta Everington and Fiona Robyn are in it and I'm really quite keen on reading those - even more keen on being in a collection with them. Makes me all chuffed inside being included in stuff with writers like that.
I've been sending out short stories since I was 14 and have quite the collection of polite "No" letters as well as huge gaps where no one could even be bothered to send out generic "No" letters or emails.
When I was younger and (even) lazier I sort of assumed that Short Stories were going to be my only route into being published. I couldn't be bothered to stick at novels and, if I'm honest, short stories required a skill I've been lacking I think.
Until now (giggles).
I'm so pleased, and so chuffed for everyone else who made it in and so gutted for all those who didn't.
I know how you feel.
If you want I'll give you TontoStu's address so you can send him poo-in-bags.**
*Not actually in way true, not even slightly, although I did once meet someone at university who thought Shithole was an actual place after which horrible places had since become known.
** Not actually at all recommended, or very fair, as I hear the competition was tough to judge due to the quality of the entries. You should have done what I did and bribe him with beer BEFORE the results were decided.***
*** Not actually in way true, not even slightly, although I did once meet a bloke who dressed up as a woman and stripteased his best mate in exchange for beer.****
**** Not actually TontoStu. Really really.