Friday, 26 March 2010

Hey Everybody, Hey Dr Nik: A Step Too Far

Well. It was worth a shot. How's the phrase go? Aim for the moon and if you fall short you've still managed to burn up on reentry? Something along those lines?



You'll not remember but a while back I applied for my White Jacket and Fedora Hat Combo. And, in a sense I suppose, I succeeded.

I was offered a place, a very nice place too, with use of an office and kettle. (I'd travel with my DK, don't panic, I'm not a two kettle sort of guy. At work I use the Magic Hot Water Boiler Tap for coffee.)

Only problem, obviously, was the International Global Recession. Which has buggered my plans up right nice, how.

As proud as I was, am, at being offered a place the horrible truth was that the place was unfunded. The uni tried and I'm grateful that they did but money is tough to find. So no pennies for young Nik.

I've had to turn down the offer.

It's disappointing of course but I'm still young. (Yes I am. I am. Shut up, I am.) Plenty of time to get me Ma Fudd. And I will get Ma Fudd.

Only slight problem though is that it buggers up my immediate goals. I'm working toward my Stuff To Do Before I'm Thirty List at the minute. Technically I would BE thirty when I got Ma Fudd but I think it would still count.

So I'll have to resign myself to losing that one.

Still, I've already ticked a few off.

Published a novel. Tick.
Lived abroad. Tick.
Sky Dived. Tick.
Knocking down a wall with a mallet. Tick.
Played Football in a Proper Stadium. Tick. (Yes, Durham City's ground IS a proper stadium. It has a stand. So there.)

And I suppose it does give me more time to focus on the rest of my list which, I must admit, Ma Fudd would have gotten in the way of.

For example:

Publishing a Second, more Successful Novel. This is a recent addition but, maybe, will be as satisfying as swanning about in a white jacket and fedora hat. And I'm not too far off finishing. Finally.

Meeting a Juggling Monkey and Buying It a Drink. Really, this is one that I need to spend quite some time doing. I'm sort of thinking that perhaps this is unlikely, the only real solution would be train said monkey and distract the RSPCA long enough for us to have a quick pint. It's not an impossible dream. Really it's not. Research is obviously edging us toward this particular dream. I have proof.

Owning a Smoking Jacket and Pipe and a room in which they seem Appropriate.

Learning the difference between Effect and Affect. This, I know, should be an easy one but I feel that I need some of these in case I get to the Eve of the Thirty and have managed none of the above I need one I can do On The Spot to make myself feel better. Others include Learning to Stand on my Head and Throwing a TV through a window.

Anyways. Thought I'd share.

Monday, 8 March 2010

Amazonion Goldfish Woman #1

So I’m stood there, smeared in mayo – even the kitchen door is heavily splattered and slippery with the stuff – and suddenly I realise that ridiculous AmazonionGoldFishWoman is staring at me, little frown on her goldfish face.

And I’m thinking:

“Me? You think I look weird? Have you seen you?”

Tuesday, 2 March 2010

Accidental Flash Fiction By Genius' #1

I'm looking through the afternoon registers, having a quick spy on who's here and who's not. I'm not nosey, really, but I do occasionally like to be prepared and if I know that a difficult student is absent then I can relax.

If they're still here I can start heating up the pokers.

Anyway, I'm looking through the registers as I said and came across a comment left regarding one of my students. He's marked in as absent, a Non-Authorised absence (tut tut) but there is a little note which you can read if you hover the cursor over the kids name.

This note read thus:

"Acute sickness and diarrhoea. Allegedly.

***(Teacher) was on way to work this morning and spotted him in camouflage gear. He waved."

I'll be honest here, that note tells this kid's story far more effectively than I could...