Thursday, 30 April 2009

Of Better Reviews And A Little Bit Of A Tease

My Googlebot spy has found a couple of reviews this last week or so. It's a clever little device what my most mint mentor mentioned. It used to search for "9987".

That was not always successful.

Often it brought back phone numbers of Arizona based real estate firms. Occasionally serial numbers of Japanese eletrofunk albums. Once it revealed that this was how many tonnes of waste produced by a collective of French farms. All very interesting stuff.

But did little to feed my ego. Especially the wastage one.

So now it just searches for "Nik Jones". Egotastic I know. In fact, simply by posting this post it's possilbe the Googlebot will post an email directing me to this post.

Anyway, the Googlebot returned two nice new reviews. In fact two very nice reviews I reckon. Two reviews that talk about 'pacing' and 'structure' and make me sound like I knew what I was doing.

Go have  a look, they're just over there to the right... Go on... Click it, you'll love it. 

Plus: A Little Bit of a Tease.

Now, I had asked the most shameless of Kettles, El Disco himself to perform a bit of a tease for this section. Swing his flex about the place, maybe wiggle his button, but alas, he is too cowardly. So I'll do it instead...

You ready?

No? Thought not.

Well, I'll try it this way instead then:

I know something you don't know, and it is proper mint, how...

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

A Question Of Biscuits

Hello. Sorry. It's been a while. Been busy decorating my flat, I'm Letting it you see. Not letting it do anything in particular you understand. Just Letting it. And only after its' done its' homework.

Plus I've had some biscuit issues recently. All week in fact. And yes, I know it's only Wednesday. I am not hopeful for the week.

On Monday Rob's voice echoed down my little slash of tile and parquet flooring. It's good for an echo is Rob's voice, especially in those surroundings. His demand was still bouncing around when I poked my head out the door.

"What? I'm marking" I yelled back. In the far distance Rob's head hover from his own doorway.

"No you're fucking not! Come have a biscuit."

I paused. Suspicious.

"What kind of biscuit?"


"Get fucked then"

And that was that until morning break. By then Rob, having suffered a similar response from heads hovering in doorways all along our corridor, had bought some chocolate ones. In fact he must have been feeling particularly chastised because they were Chocolate Caramel ones.

He's a good lad is our Rob.

Except, somehow, I was in trouble.

"Here, bastard, since my biscuits weren't good enough for you."

"Wumummah?" I said, my mouth nicely caramelised.

"Hobnob snubber."

"Yes." Said Jason, helpfully, "I don't see your problem. Everyone needs a Hob, and certainly everyone needs the occasional nob."

"This is true," Claimed Rob, "Biscuits and sex. Exactly the same. Both necessary."

"Well yes," I agreed, "But without chocolate a biscuit is mere procreation. There's no love there. No passion."

"So... the Chocolate Caramel you're eating now..." Jason seemed intrigued. "That's like - "

"Yup. This here," I was waving my half eating biscuit, "this, is all about seduction."

Not surprisingly the bastards have stolen all the chocolate digestives.

Monday, 6 April 2009

Being In Geet Loads Of Places All At Once, Plus: Admiting, Once Again, To My Genius

Guess what I'm doing this week... Go on. Have a guess... I'll give you a clue:

It just might get me into your bedroom...

I know, but calm yourselves. It will be the metaphysical me that will be visiting, the (mostly) conscious part of my id that will be kicking about. My physical self will be on the settee. Drinking coffee. Wearing my dressing gown. Possibly sticking my tongue out at Disco Kettle.

For you see, I shall be being radio interviewed. By a real life DJ, for a real life show. Which (I think) goes out next Tuesday night here. I think that you can also listen live by pressing the big, and ever so subtle, On Air button above too... Maybe... Depends on how advanced my internetting skills have become.

I will be talking about me, I will be reading a few short extracts from my book (very short... It's broadcast before the watershed) and possibly a bit from my new (as yet unfinished) one. But I'm not sure if I'm ready for that... We'll see.

So, if you've nothing else on and fancy listening to me stutter and stammer my way through a conversation. If you want to hear some panicked silences as my brain seizes up. If you want to listen out for the whistling giggle of a Disco Kettle, then have a listen.

If all else fails there is music between my panicked silences so you can enjoy that instead.

Plus: Admitting My Genius Once Again...

Um... As has been pointed out once or twice by the observant reader I neglected to include where my International Signing was. Sorry. I am, truly, genius. I could of course waffle on, as I tend to do, splattering commas around the page, but that will simply distract me and I'll forget to tell anyone. Again.


My International Signing is Friday, 12pm at Borders Edinburgh. Scotland. (or, in true Hollywood style: Edinboro, Britain.)

So if you're about, or if you know someone up there in need of creepy and uncomfortable reading...

Friday, 3 April 2009

An International Event Of Monumental Import - And No I'm Not Talking About Gordon's Big Deal

Couldn't care less about Gordon's Big Deal - I've got nothing anyway and for those of us down here it really makes very little difference.

So no, My International Event Of Monumental Import is nothing to do with that, and far more important.

Far more important. Say it with me kids "Far. More. Important."

Very good.

I am signing books. Internationally. Oh yes. I have looooooong arms.

"Nick Jones
12:00 pm, Fri 10th April 2009

Nick jones will be instore signing his new novel 9987. 9987 is a jagged, tragic crime story set in a disturbing, uncaring world where only three things are constant: fantasy, lonliness and love."

And so yeah, ok, they spelt my name wrong, but in all fairness I spell it like."I'm a tit! I spell my name like a tosser!" so I won't hold that against them. I'm just really excited to be there.

And it will (WILL) be great! The Wetherspoons signing was. A dozen copies sold and signed, one gang of slightly druk blokes heckling me and Stu and wanting cheapass copies of the book. And a pint. And two, count 'em TWO free coffees for me mam.

Oh yes. Twas good.

And this one will be too. My most mint PR Guru has already formed plans to have me advertised BEFORE the event actually takes place. I mean, Borders will have a few posters and stuff, but really, who reads them? Most Mint PR Guru has some effective sounds plans. Which, actually thinking about it, I still ahven't put into action.


Best be off, got some phone calls to make...