Thursday, 11 June 2009

My Confession: A True Story Of Desperation And Free Coffee

I have a confession to make.

It appears I have succumbed to adultery.

Last night, I am ashamed to say, I accepted free coffee from a different kettle.

I've not yet told Disco Kettle this. I am hoping that, perhaps, me broadcasting it to the world will help ease the blow. It'll give DK time to reflect and, of course, it'll give me a chance to offer my explainations without interruption or scalding.

See, the thing is is this.

Last night was truely terrifying. Truely honestly truely. I was shaking and sweating and generally minging with fright and well. I just didn't think.

It was all instictive and although I'll admit that at the time it was wonderful, that for a brief moment it meant the world to me now I just feel - well. Dirty. And guilty. And I can't quite shift the taste of the chocolate bourbon, the haunting tingling in my fingers from the curve of that mug...

And I am sorry. Deeply sorry.

And I'm blaming the libarians.

They tricked me.

"Let's show you round" they said.

"It's really a beautiful building" they said.

"Have doen this sort of thing before?" they said.

They were right of course. They did show me round. It is a beautiful building. And no, I'd never done this sort of thing before.

I passed the poster on the stairs on the way down to the public library:

"Middlesborough Central Library
Entry £2

Two first-time young authors read from their new novels and talk about their publishing experiences so far.

Alice de Smith’s new novel Welcome to Life is a coming of age novel set in the 1980’s.
Nik Jones’ first novel, 9987, is a dark menacing drama about young man who works in a video
shop who goes off the rails.

The authors are part of New Writing North’s Read Regional 2009

And, DK, before you start arguing I haven't done this sort of thing before. I've never had to appear at a library before. I've never had to talk to people about my experiences as a published author before.

I've never had to read my work in public before.


I've had an actor do it, and he was really good.

I've done it on the radio before. But that was over the phone. At early o'clock. And I had slippers on and my Magic Dressing Gown. And coffee from you, DK. Coffee from you. And no one was watching except for the cat. Who, I'll admit, seemed less than impressed.

But reading in public?


And I was nervous. And I didn't know what to say. And I was garbling. And it was awful. And I couldn't hold the book open and stand up. And I couldn't turn the pages. And it was all going so horribly wrong.

And one of the lovely librarian ladies handed me a coffee. And I spied a plate of chocolate bourbons.

And I just didn't think.

I am sorry, DK.

Really sorry.

But, if it makes you feel any better I think it helped. As awful as my beginning was I think I got better. I got polite and much appreciated applause after each mini reading I did. I almost managed to stay on track when answering questions.

And I brought you back a signed copy of Welcome to Life.

Do you forgive me?

Can you forgive me?

I could descale you...


Megan said...

Well done sir!
(I deeply, sincerely and completely and utterly understand the panic)

DJ Kirkby said...

Lol. Poor DK...and well done you!