Wednesday 9 July 2008

Introspective. Possibly.

Firstly: By popular demand (and I use the word 'popular' in a very loose sense. In fact I think I misuse 'popular'. Perhaps what I mean is: By Katw's demand) the Full and Terrifying Tale of My Miraculous Escape.

But mostly: Being Introspective For Other People

First:

So there I was. Cowering. Crying. Slumped into a corner whilst my Baby towered over me. I held my paper cut hands to my face, felt the blood oozing between my fingers.

Desperate I looked to Disco Kettle. It lay on it's side, plug dangling from the counter, tepid water dripping from it's spout.

I was alone.

My Baby loomed large. It's title twisted in rage, in betrayal. It blocked out the light and I lay, curled up tight, in shadow.

From somewhere past My Baby I heard a scraping, something dragged across the kitchen floor. I heard whispers.

My Baby leaned in, I smelt ink. Smelt smoke. From somewhere to my right heard a faint 'Fffffssstttt'.

My Baby turned, frowned, ruffled in pages in frustration.

There stood Disco Kettle - glowing red and pink and angry scarlet.

From my left, behind My Baby came a growl, an insistant, high pitched gnashing of teeth. My shredder had appeared.

'Ffffsssst'

One inky black tear slipped from My Baby's title. Rolled down it's front page. It shook, sobbed. Folded down toward me, defeated. I stroked it's spine, caressed it's title page.

'It's ok' I whispered.

Disco Kettle said 'Bing.' I poured out coffee.

But mainly: Being Introspective For Other People

As always, here is the problem:

Tonto Books have sent me this Questionnaire (actually they have sent me two - one is about Caroline. I had no problems with that - just had to use my thesaurus to find new ways of saying wonderful, fantastic and wise. Thats not sucking up, thats genuine. Honest boss :)) about me and my book. To help them to help me, so they know what they can do to help promote the book. And me.

I like this. It makes me feel loved and valued. They even asked if I had any suggestions for promoting the book - any particular publications/sellers they wanted me to contact. All very nice.

But then they ask this:

10. PLEASE OFFER ANY SPECIFIC POINTS CONNECTED WITH YOURSELF OR YOUR STORY THAT THE ABOVE MAY FIND NEWSWORTHY OR INTERESTING. DOES YOUR BOOK DRAW ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCES? WHY MIGHT READERS OF A PARTICULAR PUBLICATION IDENTIFY WITH YOU OR YOUR STORY? ANYTHING QUIRKY OR INTERESTING ABOUT YOUR PAST, YOUR JOB, YOUR HOBBIES, WHERE YOU LIVE ETC? PLEASE CONSIDER THIS QUESTION CAREFULLY AS THIS IS CRUCIAL IN GETTING JOURNALISTS INTERESTED IN PROMOTING YOUR BOOK:

Bugger.

I can't do these ones.

Ask me anything about the book, that's fine. But I hate ones about me.

Anything Quirky/interesting about me? Well no, not really. No more than anyone else really.

Suddenly I feel very dull.

But hey, I'm a writer now.

Maybe I could just make stuff up?

So far I've got this: I have worked abroad – I would have stayed abroad if I could have gotten a Visa but an incident of drunken and disorderliness made things awkward. In fact I did have another chance to move abroad and teach in Peru but have given that up, temporarily, to promote the book.

I bet pretty much anyone can top that.

So.

I'm stuck.

Looking in to shout it out.

Disco Kettle says 'Bing.'

7 comments:

Caroline said...

Tell them about the disco kettle, that will get you press, of sorts :) And don't forget about your experiences with Lesbian Nurses ...

Failing that your not going abroad to dedicate your life to your muse is a good pr angle.

Cx

ps. Guess what I am reading? Yes I am I am I am. It's rather good :)

pps. Thank you for saying nice things and making me go mwaaaaaaaah.

Stephen said...

Hi Nik,
I've just had the same conversation with Tonto. I'm really not that interesting, although I hope the stories are. And all the interesting bits about my life are the ones I want to keep to myself until they end up coming out, heavily disguised, in my fiction. And I don't have a disco kettle or lesbian nurses!
Best wishes with it
Stephen (Leaving the Room with Dignity)
Author of 'Being Normal'.

Stephen said...

PS Thanks for the link. When I finally get back to the Blog I shall do the same for you.

watching9987 said...

Caroline - I'm always nice about you. Even to people who you don't know and will never different from. In fact I'm especially gushing about you to them. Honest.

I suppose the Peru thing could work. I did give up sombraros and llama, plus being aloud to grow my beard out, for my muse.

But unfortunatley my experiences of Lesbian Nurses is entirely fictional (sigh). Still - everyone loves DIsco Kettle.

Stephen - Thanks for stopping by, I actually went shopping for your book last weekend not realising it wasn't released - mainly because I love Short Stories - partly because I'm a whore and piggy backing on your success.
I look forward to Being Normal arriving on my doorstep though.
It's a bugger that questionnare though isn't it?

DJ Kirkby said...

My publisher sends out similar questions. :( Plenty of quirky things about me (past and present) but will anyone find them of interest? Doubtful. However, being the shamless self promoter that I am, I answered them anyway!

watching9987 said...

DJ - I've answered them now. Went with Lesbian Nurses, Disco Kettle, Sombraros and Drunk and Disorderly.

What did you go for?

DJ Kirkby said...

Well now...you'll just have to wait till my book comes out and I start doing the interview circit to find out... :@ *nah, nah*